Daughter by Alda Sigmundottir is a memoir about a young woman who was born in Iceland to two young parents who were in the acting industry. When her parents' relationship begins to crumble her mother takes her on multiple trips abroad and then moves to Canada, attempting to cut Alda off from her father and that side of the family. As Alda grows up in Canada, she faces many challenges fitting in, learning the language and most importantly, getting along with her new step-father who is controlling and cruel. As she grows into a teenager she struggles to find her way and begins to spend time with the wrong crowd, drinking and doing drugs and having sex at 14. When Alda is 16 her mother tries to force her to move to a farm, away from friends, school and work; all of which she uses as a coping mechanism to avoid life at home with her stepfather. Alda refuses and her mother decides to allow her to move out on her own, even helping her buy a house and car. As a young adult Alda begins to experience some significant mental health challenges which she attributes to bad relationships with boys but are actually deeply connected to her relationship with her parents, especially her mother. As she begins to set boundaries with her mother and redevelop her relationship with her family in Iceland, she begins to heal from her childhood and adolescent traumas and gain clarity on why her mother is the way she is.
I enjoyed the very linear and easy to follow timeline of the story, something that can be hard to find in memoirs about trauma. Survivors of trauma often have a hard time piecing their stories together which can leave the readers a little lost trying to figure it out with the author as the book progresses, but this book is not like that. I think that Alda did a significant amount of personal work through psychotherapy prior to writing this book (and at a time when therapy was so much more stigmatized than it is today!). As a result there is still an incredible level of emotional depth without fragmented storyline.
There were a few lines that really stood out to me in this book.
1) "I stood basking in the glow of what she had just said: that she would put my picture in there, that the heart-shaped slot was reserved for me" (Chapter 7). In this scene young Alda is shocked that her mother would even consider putting a picture of her in a new wallet. It is so common for parents to have wallet sized photos of their children, or more commonly now, all over their phone, instagram and facebook accounts. I thought it was so sad that Alda was shocked her mother would reserve a space with a heart shape for her.
2) After trying to find some clothes in Iceland (think trendy European fashion), preteen Alda struggles to find clothes that match her personality. How she dressed in Canada and how people dress in Iceland are at conflict within her own ideas of her identity. "Today I understand: how we dress is such an integral part of our identity, and I had no sense of who I was anymore. Moreover, I did not feel that I deserved to have all those beautiful and expensive clothes. I have since learned that my grandparents gave me money - not only that year, but also the subsequent two summers - because they were mildly shocked to see the state of my wardrobe, which was both worn and shabby. I, meanwhile, had grown so accustomed to my sub-standard duds that I could not reconcile who I was with those gorgeous items of clothing hanging on the racks of those trendy Icelandic shops" (Chapter 9). It's devastatingly sad to hear Alda describe this experience, but also is so true, when we dress a certain way we see this as an expression of our identity and it affects how we see ourselves and how we want others to perceive us.
3) When Alda is dating her boyfriend at 14 and contemplating having sex for the first time, her mother cautions her that she had better not get pregnant because she shouldn't expect her to raise the baby. This seemed fairly natural for a parent to say to a teen girl to try to prevent pregnancy. Later, when Alda is about 18 her mother reveals that she is pregnant, which is surprising to Alda, but since she had her as a teen, she still only approximately 35-40 years old. At the end of the conversation her mother says: "Yes, since there was little chance you would have one for me, I figured I would have to do it myself." The author goes on to explain: "I sat with my back against my bed, the carpet scratchy under the soles of my bare feet, feeling a seething sense that i had failed my mother by not having a child for her, and forcing her to have one all by herself" (Chapter 18). Unlike the earlier interaction about teen pregnancy, this conversation is quite odd.
4) Finally, when Alda is setting a boundary with her mother, trying to confront her for the way she was treated growing up, she accuses her mother of forcing her to leave Iceland and then dumping her to move to the farm. Her mother replies: "What did you expect... that I would choose you over Richard (the stepfather)" (Chapter 26). Umm... your 16 year old daughter? Yes, I think it is reasonable as her primary guardian that you properly care for her and if your partner is choosing to move to a farm and that is not what's best for your child, then yes, you probably should find a way to adequately care for her, thus choosing her.
I would highly recommend this memoir, it is very well written, is emotional and thought-provoking, and shares some interesting information about Iceland and Canada in the 1960-1980s. Thanks to Booksirens and the publisher for giving me the opportunity to read and voluntarily review this book!
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